As a parent of multiples there are some phrases you hear repeatedly. There’s “better you than me” (rude!), there’s “you certainly have your hands full” (well-meaning), and there’s “double-trouble” for twins, and “triple-trouble” for triplets (not sure if there’s a quads- and a quints-saying too. I Imagine they’ll just leave most people speech-less).
The first two I always answer on auto-pilot, and forget about them as soon as I’ve replied and fairly quickly walked on. The third one always stays with me, as the content of that statement makes me wonder. I wonder how well it fits the bill. It does have a certain amount of truth to it, as it is triple-up on most things. You change three times as many diapers, bathe three times as many babies, give three times as many bottles, buy three times as many diminutive shoes etc. But for most parts I’ve come to think, that the statement is false. You see, having multiples is basically a whole other ballgame than having a singleton, so it’s not just a question of doubling, tripling, or quadrupling the parenting game, but of something entirely different.
So what are these differences? Well, some of them are obvious. Let’s do the math, for starters. It is not just triple the trouble, as you can’t just do everything times three, or cope with one little troublemaker times three. While you do something once – bathe a baby for example – you still have to take care of two other babies simultaneously. You have to synchronize them. You put three babies to bed, and they might not only take turns to stay awake all night (literally), but they might also wake each other up repeatedly, and make each other cry. When they are sick you don’t take care of three times one sick baby, but three miserable babies at once, with just two arms to do the job. And you also don’t just buy three times as many clothes, but a variety of highly priced special equipment, designed to make an otherwise impossible job slightly more manageable. Like a two-story triplet stroller, that will allow you a certain amount of access to the outside world. Or a hand-free, electrical, double-breast-pump. And then there’s the lack of privacy. As the quotes above indicates, getting comments is an everyday occurrence. You don’t just go out with one baby times three, but with three at once, and you’d be surprised how entitled random people feel to make remarks, touch your babies or simply point at you, mouth agog. To sum it up. It is not triple the trouble, it is a hell of a lot more, and it is also very different. And I imagine, that the added amount of toil and labour increases drastically with the number of multiples involved. Twins = hard work, but one baby per boob, and one baby per hand. Triplets = hard up for hands and boobs. Quads = superhero mommas, etc.
However, as hard as it is, and as different as it can be, it is also distinctly good. Having multiples is a wonderful thing. Again, you do get three times of everything. Three times the little beaming smiles, three times the cutesy little feet, three times the soft little arms wanting to grab at their mommy. And when you have three little babies laughing with you, laughing to each other, and laughing together all at once in perfect unison, you are the luckiest person in the world. And you find yourself feeling sorry for all those parents out there, who’ll never experience a moment exactly like this. A moment that is three times it all, but also so much more, and so very different. And you learn something different as a parent too. You get a crash-course in just how big and flexible the human heart really is when it comes to love. That it expands to encompass multiple babies in a heartbeat. That you can go from not knowing your pre-born babies, to loving them endlessly at once, upon your very first encounter. All of them and equally.
You see, while pregnant with my boys, I was wondering about this. About how it would work at first. If they would “push each other out” so to speak, so you’d kind of take turns loving them one at a time, until you got to know them properly. Or if you would even end up having a secret favorite. It is so hard to imagine, as it is such an unusual situation. It’s just not something you’re normally confronted with in your grown-up life, where a love is added to your heart, one person at a time. The people you “bulk love” – your parents and close relatives for example – you’ve “always” loved. You don’t remember the beginnings. And your friends, lovers, husbands and wives, are all relationships that were allowed to grow, and enter your heart at their own pace. And if you have one child, or multiple singletons, you love them immediately too, but add them one at a time, gradually building on, and adding to your heart.
With trips it is different. There’s just no time. They are all suddenly there, and you find yourself loving a whole bunch of little people just like that, plunging in head first. It is a beautiful experience. Like all love it makes the world a better place, but it also teaches you something different about the scale and capacity of the human heart, something you wouldn’t otherwise have been exposed to. And for this I am truly grateful.
∼ TDD 2015 ∼
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