A wonderful little article has recently been circulating on the social media. It’s called 9 Things Never To Say To A Mom Of Triplets, and it is both witty and informative in equal measure. But apart from these apparent qualities, it also seems to have been written by a really lovely person. This judgment I base on the following excerpt from the article:
3. “I guess I can’t complain since I only have one baby.” Please complain. Vent. Make me feel human! We’re all moms and we’re all in this together. I don’t minimize your struggle just because I’m the mother of three.
The thing is, I absolutely wish, that these words were as taken from my mouth, but unfortunately that is very far from true. On the contrary, I feel completely opposite about it. Rationally and morally I might agree. What a beautiful sentiment it is to aspire to. But emotionally I’m more of a “unless you have twins or more, you better shut the eff up” kind of person. Of course that doesn’t mean, that I’m incapable of talking to singleton mothers about our children, but that a singleton mother’s complaint, can be a triplet mother’s dream. The type of vent I am thinking of, are the kind I often listened to with deep-felt sympathy before having children myself. They generally converge on the basics of parenthood, and goes something like this:
- It is so hard being a parent. I NEVER have any time to myself.
- It is so hard being a parent. I can’t go ANYWHERE without my baby. I’m just never alone.
- It’s so hard being a mother. It’s like my body doesn’t belong to ME anymore, with the breastfeeding, the little one wanting to be with me all the time, etc.
Before I continue, let me just paraphrase what goes on in my mind, when I hear stuff like the above complaints.
- Yes you do. You have plenty of time. When your one baby is asleep, the time is all yours. You get to eat and take showers. And if you are in a relationship, you can easily take turns to get some time off.
- WHOA! Not go anywhere without your child? I wish! I sincerely wish, that I could just take my babies with me everywhere. That would be great! Unfortunately there’s so many places you can’t bring triplets, and it is also a two person job, as we live in a fourth-floor apartment. Occasionally I do get to take just one baby with me. We go for a walk, and then to the super-market, and I call this pure heaven.
- Ehm. Try double-breastfeeding and pumping out. Being a triple-milk-factory is grueling hard labour, and for many a mother of multiples BF never even works out. And not being able to hold all your babies when they are fussing or crying is heart-wrenching. I were, and still am, so jealous of all the women out there, who are able to let their breastfeeding child fall asleep at their chests, and who’s never had to let a baby cry, because her arms were already full.
We can however talk about the specifics. I’m always up for playing “name that rash” – and if something is actually wrong, I’m totally there for you, Singleton Mother. But general complaints refer to what is normal, and for most parents who have multiples and/or special-needs babies, what is normal is but a dream. Not that I would have it any different. They’re my babies and I love them to death. Period. But there’s just no need to rub it in.
Having multiples is hard. The first year with triplets is often just survival. Literally. And it is a year full of shattered dreams and readjustments, as you aren’t able to do all the stuff for and with your babies, that you always imagined you’d do as a parent. It is not just a case of “nobody’s perfect”, “all parents feel inadequate”, or of not being able to attend baby-swim-classes. But of there being days, where you didn’t hold one of your babies – where you realize that you didn’t cuddle this baby at all today, because the other two needed the attention more. Days where you could’t care properly for all your sick babies, because you only have two arms. In short, having triplets is and endless game of juggling and dividing, and it doesn’t always add up.
I know you are not to blame, Singleton-Momma, and I know I’m not being nice. But I am jealous of you, and the time you have to lavish care on your one baby. Unless you have some real struggles, have multiples, more kids, or are alone with them, I’m just not venting material. It is not pretty, but there it is.
∼TDD 2015∼
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